encounters of the awkward kind; when others haven't heard about your loss

Maybe it’s a call or message asking for your spouse/partner. Or you bump into an acquaintance in the market. Or at a social gathering. And the other person hasn't yet heard about your loss.These unexpected encounters with someone who isn't aware of the death can be especially difficult, leaving you feeling:

- Discomfort as you struggle with how to reply.

- Possible pain at hearing your partner’s name brought up.

- Resentment as you feel compelled to take care of the other person’s reactions of shock and embarrassment.

Here are some ways to respond to unexpected queries about your spouse/partner:

Calls Or Messages From Friends (“So, how is…?”)
With a friend who hasn’t heard about the death, try replying, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but he/she died (give approximate date).”

Unsolicited Business Calls (“May I speak to…?”)
If you don’t recognize the caller, screen the call by first asking the person to identify themselves. Putting the caller off with “(your spouse/partner) isn’t here right now.” may only trigger a return call. Try, “Unfortunately, he/she is deceased.”

Face-to-Face Encounters (“So, how is…?”) Keep it simple. One response might be, “This has really caught us both off guard. Briefly, here’s what happened…” If you’d rather avoid going into details, you might say, “I can’t really talk about it right now. I’ll be in touch when I’m up to it.”

Remind yourself that with time, you’ll gain skill at handling these inevitable situations.

reflections by frada; a tribute to a departed husband

We discovered this poem on thegriefblog.com .

A Tribute to a Departed Husband

It doesn’t really matter

Why nor how nor when.

It’s just never ever easy

To lose your very best friend.

You did so much together.

You shared ideas too.

Now time alone is so very hard

For both family and you.

Music gets you thinking

About so many past events.

The places that you went to

And all the times you spent.

The future looks so scary.

How will it be alone?

What will happen to you

When your future’s so unknown?

Just remember that this person

No longer by your side

Would never want you miserable

You know it just can’t be denied.

So give yourself the privilege

Of some time and space.

Be patient and caring about yourself.

Take all you can embrace.

Memories will be there.

Their love never goes away.

Life is just now different.

So take it day by day.

And don’t forget that there are others

Who will stand along your side.

They’ll be happy to be there for you

And with them you can confide.

Don’t feel like you’ve been punished.

And that life is so unfair

Just remember the person whom you’ve lost.

And the love that you both shared.

By Frada

grieving for a self-destructive partner; part 2

In Part 2 of this excerpt from Lost My Partner - What'll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition, we provide some ways to cope with the often conflicting emotions that can arise when your late partner has died due to his or her decisions.

It's important to keep in mind that your partner exercised a choice and ultimately was the only one to have the power to act on that choice.

Because it’s common for family members to blame the surviving partner for either contributing to or not preventing the death, it’s helpful to talk through your reactions with supportive people outside your family.

Due to some of the above issues, your mourning experience may be more complicated. Try to trust your own instincts about what is right for you and seek supportive counseling to help sort through possibly conflicting and confusing feelings about your loss.

grieving for a self-destructive partner; part 1

(The following is excerpted from Lost My Partner - What'll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition) 

“No matter how many times the doctor warned him, and I begged, threatened, and tried to help, he still ignored us.”

If your partner’s death occurred as an apparent result of not following medical advice and/or complying with treatment or by substance abuse, it can seem that he/she chose to die. While the term “suicide” is generally applied to a sudden act that results in death, these situations can seem like a form of slow suicide.

After what may have been years of frustration as you tried your best to control your partner’s self-destructive behavior, he/she died anyway. As a consequence, you may see yourself as not having been valuable or powerful enough to stop your partner’s downward spiral.

You may also feel “relieved” that a painful and oppressive relationship has ended, but guilty about expressing this, especially around family and friends, who may see your reactions as “disloyal” towards your late partner.

In Part 2, we'll offer tips on how to cope with these concerns.

grieving for an ex: part 2

In Part 1 of these modified excerpts from Lost My Partner, we pointed out ways that a normal mourning process can become prolonged or complicated if your former spouse/partner has died.

Here are some suggestions for coping with this difficult and isolating situation:

• Are any of your partner’s family or friends more accepting of you? It can be a comfort to share your pain with those who were close to your partner. Reach out to approachable family members or friends.

• If you’ve been barred from attending the funeral, consider creating your own memorial gathering.

• Let those close to you know what you’re going through. Check for community support groups or online resources.

• Consult an attorney or contact your local bar association and the Social Security Administration about your legal rights and survivor benefits. Even once divorced, if your marriage lasted 10 years or more, you may be entitled to your ex-spouse’s social security benefits. Don’t assume you have no rights – investigate!

Remember: it’s not important how others judge your relationship or your grief. What matters most is what your attachment meant to you and your partner. Recall what was special and cherish the bonds that brought you together. Respect your own needs and treat yourself kindly.