5/29/09

reflections by deb edwards: filling the "hole"

Contributor Deb Edwards shares her latest reflections in this insightful post.

Filling the “Hole”

Anyone who has lost their partner knows what I am referring to in some way. It is how you feel when you are the only one in the room that is not half of a couple, It is the way you feel at the end of the day when you are alone. It is the way you feel the first time you fill out a form and circle the “W” instead of the “M”. It is the way you feel when you realize they are never coming back.

Since my husband died a little over a year ago, I have felt a physical and emotional “hole” where he used to be. It is bigger on some days and smaller on others, but it never goes away completely.

I have known people that have used the “hole” to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Eating too much, drinking too much, self-medicating, spending too much, but at the end of the day, the “hole” is still there. I tried to fill the “hole” with cookies, but trust me - it didn’t help. The “hole” was still there - and I had a stomach ache!

So what do you do? You do the best you can to fill the “hole”. Meet new people, find new interests, and develop a good support system. Re-invent yourself - take risks-step outside your comfort zone. I am fortunate to have a job that I love, I spend time with my grandkids, I rescued a cat and I have been doing volunteer work. Don’t hesitate to get professional help if you feel like you have fallen in the “hole” and get can’t pull yourself out.

The “hole” is a normal part of the grieving process and nothing can ever replace the one you lost. It is ever-present, but what I have learned during the past year is that it is how you fill the “hole” that is important. You have a choice every hour of every day on how you want to live your life. So choose well, but don’t beat yourself up. We are human, and some days we do better than others.

And as always - breathe!
Deb Edwards

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hello all. This is my 1st time here, so bear with me if I don't know it all or what to properly say. I lost my best friend, my soul mate, the one human being that I worshiped and adored every day of my life, worshiped below God of course. She was 51, I am 56. She caught her 1st heart attack a couple of years ago and to the day she died, she accumulated 8 heart attacks and 18 stents. She found out she had a major artery disease when she had the 1st attack a couple of years ago. she died in sept. 2016. Thru God's help, a couple of pastors and a deacon, I have found closure enough to speak about it, but not enough to not wish I was with her in heaven. She was my everything and we created a magically love that not everyone can have or share or even understand. We adored each other. It was pure magic. Even though we couldn't be intimate for her last year and a half, I remained faithful to her. She was in so much pain from her diabetes that she would cry for hours every night for nearly 2 years, then the heart attacks just finished her off. A couple of weeks ago, i came out of church and sat on my deck crying and praying at the same time, and it was very cold that day. I saw the weirdest thing. A monarch butterfly was flying around me. I spoke out loud to it and said, hey there you lil sh*t, why are you here on a cold day, you shouldn't be here in NY winter. Then for a second, i wondered, still tears and all and stretched out my hand to it and said out loud if you are a sign from God or my wife land on my hand. I took over 12 pictures of this beautiful butterfly tasting my hand for i cant even begin to tell the length of time. I then said, I understand and thank you, and it flew over me some and then away. That helped me a lot after i google what does it mean when a butterfly lands on my hand, anyways, God is good, but sometimes we miss the sweet words we shared, telling each other that we adored each other dozens of times daily, the holding hands and the constant kisses from morning to night since we were blessed enough to be with each other 24/7. I know she is gone and i have moved on. Sometimes I do wonder if God broke the mold when he made her, or could there be another, and that concerns me. What if I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life? how long should someone wait till they need companionship. why is this like a death sentence for adoring my wife, i am being punished to loneliness for months to years to forever? I am not talking about getting married tomorrow. I heard everything from 1 day to 5 years to never. It truly is easier to die than to deal with someone dying on you. So much bs and paperwork and people nonsense and then people refuse to let you grieve or live. I have no family around me and it kills me to think about selling this home that I came to enjoy, love, and share with my passed soul mate. I dont want to sell the house, but I dont want to keep it either, does that make me bad for thinking about selling? I wish people would say nothing before being so evil with words. Anyways, I vented, I'm hurt, I am lonely and just rambling. so i am truly sorry. i did let my beloved one down.