4/29/21

grieving for an ex: part 2

In Part 1 of these modified excerpts from Lost My Partner, we pointed out ways that a normal mourning process can become prolonged or complicated if your former spouse/partner has died.

Here are some suggestions for coping with this difficult and isolating situation:

Are any of your partner’s family or friends more accepting of you? It can be a comfort to share your pain with those who were close to your partner. Reach out to approachable family members or friends.

If you’ve been barred from attending the funeral, consider creating your own memorial gathering.

Let those close to you know what you’re going through. Check for community support groups or online resources.

Consult an attorney or contact your local bar association and the Social Security Administration about your legal rights and survivor benefits. Even once divorced, if your marriage lasted 10 years or more, you may be entitled to your ex-spouse’s social security benefits. Don’t assume you have no rights – investigate!


Remember: it’s not important how others judge your relationship or your grief. What matters most is what your attachment meant to you and your partner. Recall what was special and cherish the bonds that brought you together. Respect your own needs and treat yourself kindly.

4/26/21

grieving for an ex: part 1


In this modified excerpt from our book, Lost My Partner-What’ll I Do? we offer some tips for coping if you are estranged or divorced from your deceased partner.

Despite whatever conflicts occurred, the death of a spouse/partner can be painful.

There are different issues that can affect your mourning process and may not be publicly acknowledged or supported such as:

• How family members reacted to the circumstances of your situation.

• Whether you had access to your partner during the final illness or the circumstances of the death and/or inclusion in funeral/memorial arrangements.

• Legal and financial complications involving property ownership, child custody or survivor benefits.

• Emotional unfinished business, especially any conflict as an aftermath of estrangement/divorce or lack of access to your partner around the time of the death.

• Lack of usual support from former family and/or friends.


In Part 2, we’ll give you ways to cope.

4/22/21

condolences from the clueless




Unfortunately, it’s an all too familiar situation when your spouse/partner has died and a relative, friend or acquaintance appears, phones or emails you.

In their well-meaning way, this person offers what they consider to be heartfelt and comforting words of condolence.

Unfortunately, these remarks come across to you as being incredibly insensitive, presumptuous or just plain clueless.

Here are some classics from our collection:

“It’s all for the best.”

“Well, at least he/she lived a good/long life.”

“I know exactly how you feel.”

“He/she wouldn’t want you to be sad. You have to try and be strong for him/her/the children/your in-laws/the family dog.”

“ Aren’t you over it yet?”

“Don’t worry – you’ll find someone else.”

“I went through the same thing during my divorce.”

Any of these sound familiar? For more a more extensive list of clueless condolences, check out WidowNet.org. It's a site with other helpful information for widowed men and women.

Got more remarks that have left you seething? Just click onto “Comments” and let’s hear ‘em!

4/19/21

reflections from lost my partner: 5 words of wisdom



Here are some of the collected ‘words of wisdom’ excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition.

Print out and carry with these with you for those moments when you need a little boost of support.


1) It does get better. The pain will soften with time.


2) Every tear helps. The best way to get through mourning is to do the grieving.


3) You will mourn in your own way and in your own time.


4) For now, not normal is normal.


5) Most of your whole world has been turned upside down. Be gentle with yourself.

4/15/21

surviving space-outs; part 2




In our previous post, we looked at the frustrating, but normal symptoms of forgetfulness and disorientation that follow experiencing the death of a spouse/partner.

Here are 7 useful tips for dealing with these symptoms:

1) Give yourself permission to not be your usual self for the time being.

2) If you find you’ve lost track of something, stop, take three deep breaths and mentally (or physically) retrace your steps.

3) Write down or note on your smartphone anything you need to remember, especially appointments, as soon as possible.

4) Set up various “information centers” in highly visible places, such as your computer or the refrigerator, where you can place reminders to yourself.

5) Put reminders or important information on color-coded sticky notes that you leave on your information centers. Remove them when each task is completed.

6) Keep extra sets of keys at your information centers.

7) When first scheduling an appointment, request a telephone or electronic reminder.

Keep in mind that these symptoms are temporary and even the most conscientious people become forget and disoriented after suffering a major loss.

So be patient with yourself.

And give it time.

4/12/21

surviving space-outs; part 1


This post is about…uh…wait a minute, it’ll come to me…I had it right on the tip of my…oh, yeah - how to survive those times when you can’t remember where you left something or where you intended to go or when you last ate something.

No, this post isn’t about the symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease.

It’s about some of the normal symptoms that occur if your spouse/partner has recently died.

Whether it’s misplacing your keys.

Or suddenly realizing you’ve driven to some place you never intended to go.

Being forgetful, absentminded and disoriented are common reactions to the intensity of experiencing a major loss. Even with an expected loss, there’s always some shock to your system, because nobody can really predict how they’ll be affected by a death.

With most deaths, especially unexpected ones, your whole world is often thrown into chaos. In addition to the assault on your thoughts and emotions, there’s also the disruptions in your usual sleeping and eating habits as well as your ability to concentrate.

Try not to panic. Assure yourself and others that memory and concentration problems are temporary symptoms of having lost your partner.

In our next post, we’ll offer some practical techniques for surviving this period.

4/8/21

grave matters

The decision about when to visit your late spouse/partner’s gravesite can be a difficult one.

Many widowed hesitate to take this step. Some of the reasons may include:

• a wish to avoid additional pain.

• ambivalent feelings about the relationship with the deceased.

• the possibility of other losses being stirred up (other loved ones may be buried nearby).


If you are feeling uncertain about visiting the cemetery, consider the following from our post Reluctant to Visit the Gravesite?:

Have you visited your late spouse/partner’s grave since the funeral?

If not, do you find you just can’t bring yourself to go? Even when family and friends offer to accompany you?

Is there guilt because this ritual is one a widowed partner is “supposed to observe”?


Actually, there are no rules about this. Although some faiths mark the end of the first year of mourning by observing a memorial for the deceased, visiting the gravesite is otherwise a very personal choice.

(Read more)

4/5/21

spiritual comfort; part 2: coming to terms with the questions


In Part 1 of Spiritual Comfort, we explored some of the questions about your faith that can arise following the death of your partner.

Our excerpt from Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? continues.

Each faith has its own way of understanding the experience of death.

Some people turn to their religious advisor and find answers that are comforting.

Others may be given answers that fail to satisfy them when they’re feeling such terrible pain. This can feel like an even more profound loss.

Before you decide to give up on your faith:

- Give yourself time. Some have to struggle for awhile before discovering answers that feel right for them.

- Get a different perspective. Some clergy are simply more skillful at handling these issues than others. Rather than giving up on your faith, you might want to consider consulting another clerical member of your denomination. Sometimes a different perspective (and personality) can make all the difference.

Other good sources of comfort are books that deal with the “whys” of death, such as When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner (Schocken Books, Inc., 2001).

4/1/21

spiritual comfort; part 1: questions

Parts 1 and 2 of Spiritual Comfort are excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition (copyright 2008 from McCormick Press).

For some, bereavement is a time when religion provides great comfort and support.

For others, it can be a painful time in which you question your most cherished beliefs.

The impact of losing a spouse can cause some people to experience a crisis of faith. In the face of death, each of us struggles in his/her own way to find answers to profoundly difficult questions

You may question the fairness of the loss:

“We played by the rules. My partner was such a good, loving person – why did this have to happen to us?”

You may feel that death cheated you of many things: your spouse as your life partner, the dreams and plans you had for the future, the sharing of family experiences, etc.

It’s not uncommon to feel anger toward God for allowing the loss to happen.

While some people feel guilt about expressing it, others find relief by allowing themselves to vent this anger directly at God. Some may even shake their fists at the heavens, while others may turn away from their religion altogether.


In Part 2, we discuss ways to come to terms with these painful questions.