grieving for an ex: part 2

In Part 1 of these modified excerpts from Lost My Partner, we pointed out ways that a normal mourning process can become prolonged or complicated if your former spouse/partner has died.

Here are some suggestions for coping with this difficult and isolating situation:

• Are any of your partner’s family or friends more accepting of you? It can be a comfort to share your pain with those who were close to your partner. Reach out to approachable family members or friends.

• If you’ve been barred from attending the funeral, consider creating your own memorial gathering.

• Let those close to you know what you’re going through. Check for community support groups or online resources.

• Consult an attorney or contact your local bar association and the Social Security Administration about your legal rights and survivor benefits. Even once divorced, if your marriage lasted 10 years or more, you may be entitled to your ex-spouse’s social security benefits. Don’t assume you have no rights – investigate!

Remember: it’s not important how others judge your relationship or your grief. What matters most is what your attachment meant to you and your partner. Recall what was special and cherish the bonds that brought you together. Respect your own needs and treat yourself kindly.

grieving for an ex: part 1

In this modified excerpt from our book, Lost My Partner-What’ll I Do? we offer some tips for coping if you are estranged or divorced from your deceased partner.

Despite whatever conflicts occurred, the death of a spouse/partner can be painful.

There are different issues that can affect your mourning process and may not be publicly acknowledged or supported such as:

• How family members reacted to the circumstances of your situation.

• Whether you had access to your partner during the final illness or the circumstances of the death and/or inclusion in funeral/memorial arrangements.

• Legal and financial complications involving property ownership, child custody or survivor benefits.

• Emotional unfinished business, especially any conflict as an aftermath of estrangement/divorce or lack of access to your partner around the time of the death.

• Lack of usual support from former family and/or friends.

In Part 2, we’ll give you ways to cope.

reflections from lost my partner: 5 words of wisdom

Here are some of the collected ‘words of wisdom’ excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition.

Print out and carry with these with you for those moments when you need a little boost of support.


1) It does get better. The pain will soften with time.


2) Every tear helps. The best way to get through mourning is to do the grieving.


3) You will mourn in your own way and in your own time.


4) For now, not normal is normal.


5) Most of your whole world has been turned upside down. Be gentle with yourself.