7/29/21

getting through get-togethers; part 2: tips for feeling in control


In Part 1, we talked about taking some steps to be emotionally prepared before you attend a get-together.

Our excerpt from Lost My Partner continues:

 You can gain a greater sense of control in these situations by:

1) Giving yourself the first 30 minutes after you arrive to adjust to the circumstances. Remember that without your spouse/partner, this is a new situation. Expect some brief uneasiness. Many discover that once they’ve made it past the first half hour, they’re more relaxed.

2) Contacting the host or hostess ahead of time to explain that you aren’t your usual self and may wish to leave early.

3) Taking your own car or alerting a friend who’s driving you about the possibility of making an early exit.

4) Giving yourself a ‘time-out’ in the event of feeling overwhelmed, so you can retreat to the privacy of a bathroom or bedroom, or take a walk, and have a brief cry. Most people will understand.

In Part 3, we’ll cover how to break the ice about your loved one when others are uncertain about mentioning the loss.

7/26/21

getting through get-togethers; part 1: first things first







Now that we're able to get together again with friends and family, the emotional challenges of those situations can be tougher than ever for the recently widowed.

Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition, here are some proven strategies for making it through festive gatherings, even when you aren’t feeling in the holiday spirit.

In our post, Best Ways to Get Through the Holidays (Part 1), we suggest “To lessen the chance of emotional ‘sneak attacks’, make some time to grieve, either on the holiday or just before it.”

In Lost My Partner, we add, “Even when you’ve prepared yourself by making time to grieve beforehand, you may feel anxious about becoming uncomfortable in a festive gathering. There’s often a sense of being “out of it”, as you watch others having a good time.

However, just going, even if you need to leave early, is a sign of progress.”

In Part 2, learn the best ways to gain a greater sense of control in these situations.

7/15/21

you and your adult child: emotional guidance


Have your adult children begun to look to you for some of the emotional support or guidance that your late spouse/partner used to provide?

It’s understandable to feel uncomfortable in a new role with your family. You may feel some resentment that you are the sole parent taking on all the responsibilities.

Try thinking back to what your partner used to say in similar circumstances. After years with him or her, you can probably imagine what would be said. Let this guide you and trust your own judgment as a parent.

Rather than providing a “solution” to your child’s concerns, he or she may just need the reassurance that one parent is still around for support.

7/8/21

when grief affects your eating and sleeping; part 2



Sleeping

In our last post, we looked at ways to cope with the appetite loss that’s a common symptom of grief.

Here we revisit our best advice on getting through those nights when sleep is a problem.


Sleeping Solo

Some people find it difficult adjusting to sleeping alone after his or her partner has died.

It’s often uncomfortable to change your position in the bed after having shared it with a partner. For some, moving into a bedmate’s “space” may feel comforting while for others it’s a painful acknowledgment that a loved one is no longer there.

Whether you feel most comfortable sleeping on your usual side of the bed or moving to your late partner’s side, here are some tips for helping you adjust to sleeping alone:

1) Try hugging a pillow to help you doze off.

2) You may want to sleep with an article of clothing that carries your partner’s familiar scent.

3) If you’re uncomfortable moving from your customary position, “try out” shifting yourself gradually toward the center of the bed.

4) If you initially find it comforting to have your young child/children sleep with you, try to ease them back into their own beds as soon as possible. While it may be reassuring to you and your child in the short term, you don’t want to burden children with the responsibility of “taking care” of you.

5) Sharing the bed with your pets, however, is a better way to feel less alone.

Adjusting to sleeping by yourself is a very personal process. There is no right or wrong about this, so take your time and move (or sleep) at your own pace.


How to Ease Into Those ZZZs; Part 1

Since your spouse/partner’s death, do you feel exhausted during the day because when you try sleep at night, you:

a) Toss and turn all night, unable shut down your thoughts?

b) Fall asleep, only to wake up a few hours later, unable to get back to sleep?

With all the mental and physical overload caused by your spouse/partner’s death, it’s no wonder your normal sleep habits have been affected.

If so, keep in mind that some disturbances in your normal sleep pattern should be expected. With all the changes and stresses you’re dealing with, it’s no wonder you can’t rest.

With time, these typical symptoms of grief will subside.

In the meantime, remind yourself that everything seems worse at night. Once morning arrives, the problem or memory that kept you tossing will probably seem more manageable.


How to Ease Into Those ZZZs; Part 2

Now for the 7 most useful tips on dealing with that long stretch before your alarm goes off.

1) Use your bed for sleep only. If you have get up, go into another room to read or watch something boring on TV. Avoid the mental stimulation of using a computer.

2) Don’t look at the clock. Noticing how long it’s taking you to fall asleep can become another pressure.

3) If you’re too tense to fall asleep, get up and perform some repetitive housework, like vacuuming...(read more)

7/5/21

when grief affects your eating and sleeping; part 1



Eating

Research has shown that you’re more vulnerable to physical problems following the death of a spouse/partner. This doesn’t mean that you will get sick, only that it’s important to take care of your health during this stressful period.

The following posts offer some practical suggestions for coping with the diminished appetite that can accompany grief and mourning.

Losing Your Appetite

Feel like nothing will ever taste good again?

Wish people would stop nagging you to eat when you just don’t feel hungry?

If your spouse/partner has recently died, you probably haven’t felt much like eating. It’s not uncommon to feel a loss of appetite in the first month or so after a death, when your body as well as your mind is in a state of shock. Keep in mind that your appetite should slowly return with time. In any case…(read more).

Online Help

We came across a site for adult children who have lost a parent. In a useful post they recommend offering support by arranging to have prepared meals delivered to a widowed parent.

There are online sites that provide special diets, vegetarian and/or gourmet cooking.

While this is a great way for others to “do something”, it can also be a good way to take care of yourself. Especially at those times when you don’t feel up to shopping and/or fixing something to eat.

Or depending on family or neighbors to do it for you. In any case, always make sure your doctor knows about your recent loss and any prolonged problems you have with your appetite.

There are also some regional supermarket chains that offer online selections and home delivery. 
Although it can get costly, occasionally ordering meals or groceries online can provide a healthy alternative on days when you’d just rather not bother yourself or others.

In our next post, we’ll revisit some useful posts that deal with sleep disturbances affected by your loss.