11/10/16

widowhood way back when: revolutionary war veteran's benefits






If you were the widow of a revolutionary war veteran, you had better stick around a long, long time if you hoped to collect on your husband’s government pension.

According to the site lineages.com, we discovered the following about those early benefits:


July 24, 1836: Widows were authorized the pension that would have been available to their veteran husbands when they were living, so long as they had married before he left service.

July 7, 1838: Widows who had married Revolutionary War veterans prior to January 1, 1794 were authorized a five-year pension.

July 29, 1848: Widows were authorized a pension for life if they could prove they had married the veteran prior to January 2, 1800.

February 3, 1853: All widows of Revolutionary War veterans, regardless of their date of marriage, were made eligible for a pension.

March 9, 1878: The final Revolutionary War pension act authorized pensions for widows of veterans who had served at least fourteen days or had participated in any engagement.


Imagine being one of the widows who was finally able to collect benefits almost 100 years after the Revolutionary War!

Gives new meaning to the term "May-December Romance", doesn't it?

10/6/16

learn how to clean house



If your late spouse/partner used to handle most of the cleaning chores around the house, you may want to learn how to maintain some basic upkeep, even if you choose to hire a cleaner.

A few years ago, I discovered a series of “how to” books by professional cleaners Jeff Campbell and The Clean Team. The basic book, Speed Cleaning, lays out a very simple system for how to tackle basic cleaning chores.

Although Campbell also promotes his own line of cleaning supplies, it’s not necessary to use them.

I continue to use many of the tips I’ve learned in Campbell’s books.

Let us know if you’ve discovered other helpful resources.

10/3/16

reflections by deb edwards: what i know for sure about being a widow - one year later


Although it's been a few years, this early post from contributor Deb Edwards is still inspiring :

Tomorrow will be one year since Dale died. It seems impossible to me. I had a tree planted and a memorial plaque in his memory that finally were installed yesterday at a local plaza in the town where I live.

In preparation for this important anniversary, I "circled the wagons" I am having a small private dedication with my closest friends, followed by dinner. My granddaughters are coming for a sleepover so I won't have to be alone. With all my planning, I will still be glad when it is over.

Now that the day has arrived, Deb shares her reflections:


What I Know For Sure About Being a Widow.....One Year Later

Today is one year since my husband died. This has been quite a journey, with some very unexpected twists and turns.

My writing and the positive feedback I have received as a result has helped me so much with my own healing:

don't waste your energy trying to understand the reasons "why?"-they will never make sense

children and animals can offer a tremendous source of comfort, wisdom and insight in its purest and simplest form

everything and anything seems 10x worse at 2:00am

"alone" does not have to be synonymous with "lonely"

the cereal aisle still makes me cry.........but not as often

just when you think it never will, it does get easier-some days

look for ways in your life to "give back". paying it forward can be unbelievably rewarding-helping someone else can redirect your focus and lessen the pain

the moments that you feel "better" will turn into hours, then days, then weeks and then... there you are crying again

your "alone" time can be a real opportunity to reinvent yourself if you can embrace the possibilities

indulge yourself in extreme "self-care"-whatever works for you-a massage, a walk, a hot bath, brownies (i am a firm believer in the healing power of chocolate!)-anything that makes you feel good

getting through all the "firsts" seems impossible, but you somehow get through it-I hope the "seconds" won't be so tough. planning ahead helps.

don't be afraid to ask for what you need or want-you may be pleasantly surpised at what you get

when you feel like you can't go on, just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you will get to where you want to be

it can be very scary to step outside your comfort zone and try new things-but if you don't try you could miss out on something wonderful

forgive, forgive, forgive....the one you lost, God, the doctors, but most of all yourself

grief is a complicated process so if you think you're over it-you're not and if you haven't experienced it-trust me-you will

endings can also be wonderful beginnings-keep your mind and heart open and don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle

and as always..... remember to breathe


deb edwards

9/29/16

making sense of anger; part 4: handling anger



In Parts 2 and 3 of these excerpts from Lost My Partner, we looked at various ways anger about your loss may be misdirected, either towards yourself or others.



While it’s important to be aware that you’re feeling anger, it’s equally important to look at what you’re doing with it.

Feeling an emotion and expressing it are two very different things. Everyone feels anger sometimes, but the way you choose to deal with that anger can make a world of difference. You’ll probably feel angry and abandoned by your partner when it comes time to deal with financial headaches, your children, family conflicts, etc. Misdirecting your anger in any way, such as yelling at your family for no reason, won’t really make you feel better or less angry.

Here are some examples of choices you can make in handling anger:

DESTRUCTIVE WAYS:

- Verbally or physically attacking others.

- Turning anger inward. For example, scolding yourself, injuring your body by hitting something too hard, or having “accidents”.

- Doing self-destructive things like excessive drinking or drug use, driving recklessly, or neglecting your health.


CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS:

- Talking about your angry feelings to someone who will understand, such as close friends, grief counselors, widowed groups or religious advisors.

- Writing a letter to whomever you’re angry with but not mailing it, then taking a brisk walk around the block.

- Punching a pillow or a cushioned piece of furniture.

- Sitting in a room at home with the widows closed (so the neighbors aren’t alarmed), and shouting.



If you’ve come up with any other constructive strategies for venting anger, please share them with us.

9/1/16

important contacts after your partner’s death




In the overwhelming aftermath of your partner’s death, you may not be aware of some of the many financial and legal institutions that need to be notified. We came across this useful list compiled by Sheri and Bob Stritof on About.com Guide:

Here are some of the places and individuals you need to notify after the death of your spouse. There is no order in who to contact first.

Don't forget notifying extended and distant family members and friends, too. If you are feeling very overwhelmed, you can avoid hurting others' feelings by asking someone else to do this for you.

· Social Security Administration - 1-800-772-1213. Do not cash any checks received for the month in which your spouse died or thereafter. They need to be returned to the SSA. If Social Security benefits were received via direct deposit, you will need to notify your bank also. You also need to check on survivor benefits for both yourself and your children.

· Dept of Veteran Affairs if spouse was in the military for burial and memorial benefits.

· Automobile registration and insurance

· Work related associates

· Insurance policies

· Banks and Credit Unions

· Utility bills

· Credit cards and Loan Companies

· Organization and Church Memberships

· Landlord or Mortgage Company

· Telephone Company if you want your listing changed

8/29/16

10 quotes for getting through the days

Here are some of our favorite quotes for support through the mourning process.

Have any special quotes that have inspired you? Please share them with us by clicking on "comments" following this post.

1) Always remember that the future comes one day at a time.
---Dean Acheson

2)What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
---Helen Keller

3) If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.
---Gail Sheehy

4) I will love the light for it shows me the way. Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
---Og Mandino

5) Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.
---Shakti Gawain

6) Never run away from anything. Never!
---Sir Winston Churchill

7) Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
---Arnold Bennett

8) Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.
---Arthur Schopenhauer

9) If there is no struggle, there is no progress.
---Frederick Douglass

10) To weep is to make less the depth of grief.
---William Shakespeare

7/28/16

i'm done with dating

In this couple-oriented culture of ours, there is often pressure from well-meaning family and friends to date soon after your partner has died.  Although this usually occurs more to younger widowed, pressure at any age is unwelcome.

Any decision about dating is yours alone.

You may need more time to heal from the loss and are clear about not wanting to date at this time.  But you may change your mind down the road.

Or you may be clear that you are definitely not interested in another romantic relationship.

Whatever your choice, it’s a personal matter and others need to respect that.


Here’s some suggested ways to respond in these situations:

1) "Thanks for your concern but I’m really not interested (at this time)."

2) "While I appreciate your concern, my dating days are over - and I’m really okay with that."


Keep in mind however, that after losing a partner, it’s important to eventually form new (not romantic) relationships that will provide friendship and support.

Remember too, that you are the best judge of what is right for you.


(Our thanks to Beth Chaparral for suggesting this subject.)

7/7/16

how to travel without your partner

One of the most difficult steps after losing your spouse/partner is planning your first vacation without him or her. You probably aren’t feeling like your usual self, so it can be hard to summon the happy anticipation that “getting away” used to bring. Visiting familiar places can bring back the pain of the loss.

Before you start making reservations, consider the following:

a. Team up with a family member or friend who is compatible. If you’re uncertain how you’ll get along, try going away for a weekend together before committing to a longer trip.

b. New places can offer new experiences and a chance to create new memories.

c. Keep in mind that feelings of loss may come up unexpectedly. Give yourself permission to grieve even though you’re supposed to be “getting away” from things.

d. If you find yourself traveling constantly the first year after the death, it may be a way of avoiding the mourning process. Grief has a way of catching up when not attended to.

e. Don’t be surprised if, when you return home, there’s a moment when you expect to be greeted by your spouse/partner.

Despite some discomforts, taking a vacation on your own can also be filled with pleasurable new discoveries and opportunities for gaining self-confidence.













One of the most difficult steps after losing your spouse/partner is planning your first vacation without him or her. You probably aren’t feeling like your usual self, so it can be hard to summon the happy anticipation that “getting away” used to bring. Visiting familiar places can bring back the pain of the loss.










Before you start making reservations, consider the following:









a. Team up with a family member or friend who is compatible. If you’re uncertain how you’ll get along, try going away for a weekend together before committing to a longer trip.









b. New places can offer new experiences and a chance to create new memories.









c. Keep in mind that feelings of loss may come up unexpectedly. Give yourself permission to grieve even though you’re supposed to be “getting away” from things.









d. If you find yourself traveling constantly the first year after the death, it may be a way of avoiding the mourning process. Grief has a way of catching up when not attended to.









e. Don’t be surprised if, when you return home, there’s a moment when you expect to be greeted by your spouse/partner.









Despite some discomforts, taking a vacation on your own can also be filled with pleasurable new discoveries and opportunities for gaining self-confidence.

3/3/16

tips for using online support groups



Online support groups can be a convenient way to find reassurance and connection with others who have lost their spouse/partner. We’ve excerpted some useful pointers from “Online Grief Support Group” by Mary Beth Adonmaitis from the Death and Dying category of lovetoknow.com.
According to Ms. Adonmaitis, “Whatever stage of the bereavement process you are in, you can always seek online support. Many choose this style of therapy because grieving about their loved ones happens from the privacy of their own homes. Most of these groups are founded by those who have lost a loved one or who have done extensive research about bereavement support.


Online support groups offer individuals:

-A chance to share their grief with others who went through the same situation.

-Information about memorials and funerals.

-A place to talk about their loved ones without feeling un-welcomed or uncomfortable.

-A safe place to post poetry, photographs, journals or articles about the person who died.

-The ability to remain anonymous.

-An opportunity to meet locals who can offer support; many times people who meet online and live in the same area often get together.

-A secure place to share joys, sorrows and memories about the one who died.

-The chance to feel less lonely in your grief.

-A place to learn coping skills, stress management techniques and ways to relax.

-An all-around sounding board.

Beware of the Dangers
Just as there are dangers to online dating or social networking, there are risks to joining an online grief support. Visitors to these sites should heed the following warnings:

Never give out personal information to anyone. This includes your full name, address, phone number, computer or online passwords, credit card or bank information or other identifying factors.

Make sure the group you join is a secure private website. Registration should be required and approved.

Legitimate groups will not ask for a registration fee; many will take donations since they are non-profit organizations, but it is not mandated.

Do not believe everything you read. It's hard to believe that scam artists invade personal and emotional sites such as this, but they do.

Report suspicious behaviors to the group's moderator or website owner.

Be careful what you post. If you are unsure about the website, don't post photographs of your loved one. It is very easy to steal someone's picture on the Internet.”


In a final note, Ms. Adomaitis adds, “Support groups, whether they are online or in-person do not and cannot resolve a person's grief. Nothing can do that, because in one way or another, that grief will always be present. However, the person who received the support can now learn to lead a new normal life, knowing that it's okay to be happy again”.

Initial Author: Mary Beth Adomaitis
Recent Contributors: Gregory Thompson, Debbie Vasen Read the complete post.