reflections: irish words of wisdom II

- It is a long road that has no turning.

- May the strength of three be in your journey.

- May the frost never afflict your spuds. May the outside leaves of your cabbage always be free from worms. May the crow never pick your haystack, and may your donkey always be in foal.

- May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

- When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is weak.

- May good luck be your friend
  In whatever you do.
  And may trouble be always
  A stranger to you.

am i ready for dating? part 3: easing into dating

In Part 2 of our excerpts from Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? we looked at the changes in dating customs that may have occurred since you were last single.


Okay, now you’re ready to start easing your way into the social life of a single person. How exactly should you go about it?

Your attitude in approaching this step is important.

Try to think in terms of a shopping experience.

You’ll want to “try on” the different ways and places to meet someone until you find a good “fit”. In the process, you’ll get a chance to learn what doesn’t fit or appeal to you.

With that concept in mind:

- If you’re comfortable with it, let friends and family know you’re ready to meet new people.

- Find a friend who’s currently single. Ask this friend for advice about the latest rules and customs. But remember: no matter how well-intentioned advice can be, you always need to adapt it to what feels right for you.

- Check out social activities geared for singles at your place of worship.

- Check local papers or online for schedules of special-interest activities for singles. Many feel more relaxed when there’s an activity such as hiking, films, gourmet cooking, concerts, etc., to focus on rather than just “meeting someone”. If you’re over fifty-five, consider joining Elderhostel, an organization that combines travel with learning in a way that’s comfortable for people on their own.

- Bring a friend along the first time you try anything new. It’s a good idea to discuss before you go what each of you will do in the event one of you becomes uneasy, wants to leave early, or meets someone.

Taking the Plunge

Trust yourself to know when it’s time to start dating.

That doesn’t mean you won’t be anxious or uncertain. Some anxiety on any date is natural and, in your situation, expected. Don’t try to bluff it out. What often helps is to let the other person know that you’re new at this.

One of the most important things to remember in starting any new relationship is that a new person is a new learning experience. You probably had years to get to know your spouse/partner and adjust to the ways you reacted to each other. A new person can’t be expected to react in the same ways as your spouse/partner did. It takes time to know each other.

A WORD OF WARNING: Sometimes people jump into dating to erase the pain they’re feeling. They hope the excitement of a new relationship will make the pain go away. Dating for that reason can backfire. You aren’t being fair to a new relationship when you haven’t taken enough time to emotionally finish with the old one. Please take the necessary time to go through the mourning process before you start dating.

Please share your thoughts about these posts with us.

am i ready for dating? part 2: what's different now

In Part 1 of these 3 excerpts from Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? we discussed your emotional readiness to begin dating.

How old were you when you last dated?

What were the dating rules and customs at that time?

Many people report that when they first re-enter the singles’ world, they feel like Rip Van Winkle – on the inside it’s as though they were still the age they were when last single. On the outside, though, the world has changed.

Some of the biggest changes you’ll probably discover include:

a) Women making the first move. It’s not uncommon now for a woman to initiate a phone call or email to invite a man to a movie or a sports/cultural event.

b) Sexual conduct. Even in this time of increased caution, many people engage in sex sooner than they once did.

A WORD OF WARNING: Don’t believe that just because you’re a certain age, you’re safe from sexually transmitted diseases. For example, according to Centers for Disease Control, over 50% of newly reported case of AIDS in 2005 were in people (heterosexual as well as homosexual), over age 40. It’s wise to play it safe. Check with your doctor about safe sex practices.

c) Women paying for themselves. In some cases, a woman may view paying her own way as freeing her from any obligation to the man. Or it might just be a case of economics. If both people live on fixed incomes, it’s more thrifty to share the expense of a night out.

Regardless of what others are doing, you are the best judge of what is right for you. Keep in mind, however, that if you were a teenager when you last dated, you probably followed your parents’ guidelines about what was permissible. Now that you’re an adult, you’re able to make choices about what’s right for you.

In Part 3, we’ll move into strategies for easing into dating.

am i ready for dating? part1: ready or not?

The following 3 posts are excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition.


You may not want to even consider the idea of new relationships.

You may be ready to think about the possibility of new relationships.

You may be at a point where you are ready to try new relationships.

One of the final stages of the mourning process is where you begin to seriously consider the possibility of new attachments. This may mean creating friendships with members of the same sex or opposite sex. Or it might indicate a wish to explore a romantic and/or sexual relationship.

This doesn’t mean you want to forget your spouse/partner, but rather it reflects a growing readiness for the companionship and intimacy you once shared with someone.

Friends and family will often drop hints or make suggestions about “fixing you up” or going to singles’ activities. It’s important not to let others pressure you. Trust your own feelings and sense of when the time is right.

Even if you don’t feel ready to test the waters of the singles’ scene, don’t be surprised if at first you find yourself experiencing some of the following:

a) GUILT. It’s not uncommon to feel survivor guilt as you reach this stage. Because you want to begin enjoying life once again, it may feel as though you’re being disloyal and/or leaving behind your deceased spouse/partner. If feelings of guilt persist, they could be a sign that you have more grieving to do.

b) ANGER. You may find yourself angry at your spouse/partner: “If you hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have to go through this.”

c) ANXIETY. Of course you’re anxious! After all, when was the last time you were single?

In Part 2, we’ll look at how dating rules and customs have probably changed since you were last single.

widowhood way back when: wakeful irish; part 2

With a nod to St. Patrick’s Day, here is part 2 of an excerpt from the book, Of Irish Ways by Mary Murray Delany. We discovered this on http://www.funeralwise.com/:

Mourning and Merrymaking

Wakes lasted through two or three nights. Food, tobacco, snuff, and liquor were plentiful. Out in the countryside, the liquor served consisted of whiskey or poteen, which is a very potent and illegal Irish homemade brew.

Laughter and singing as well as crying filled the air as mourners shared humorous stories involving the deceased. In addition to this seeming merriment, games were played.

While this may appear to have been disrespectful of the dead, it was not the intention. It is thought that the merrymaking aspects of these wake customs were influenced by the Irish pagan heritage as well as the need to stay awake for such a long period of time. The church frowned upon these activities and tried hard to discourage the people from indulging in them, mostly to no avail.

No emotion was left out of the mourning process. Between the extremes of tears and laughter, heartfelt poetical lamentations and boisterous songs, there were debates. As the mourners gathered round the kitchen table, poteen or whiskey laden tea in hand, it was inevitable that discussions would begin. Often these debates turned heated as one might expect given that the most common topics concerned religion, politics or economics.

Mourners Pay Final Respects

One last opportunity for friends and neighbors to pay respects to the deceased came on the morning of the funeral. The body was placed in a coffin and brought outside the house. There, the open coffin was laid across some chairs, where it remained until time to carry it to the graveyard. Mourners kiss the deceased prior to the lid being placed on the coffin.

The journey to the church and then onto the graveyard was a long and arduous trip. Four of the closest relatives carried the coffin at a quick pace. They would be relieved by four more along the way and so it went until they reached the church. After the service, the procession would continue, again on foot, until reaching the graveside. The coffin was lowered into the grave and the clay, the common soil in Ireland, was shoveled over it. The spade and shovel were laid on top of the new grave in the form of a cross. Prayers were said, bringing the wake and funeral to a close.

Who says funerals have to be dull?

widowhood way back when: wakeful irish; part 1

With a nod to St. Patrick’s Day, here is Part 1 of an excerpt from the book, Of Irish Ways by Mary Murray Delany. We discovered this on http://www.funeralwise.com/:


Part 1
Irish Wakes and Funeral Customs of Old

Until modern times, Irish wake customs ran the gamut from profound grieving to what appeared to be rollicking good fun. This was especially true if the deceased was elderly. This curious mixture borne of a cultural blend of paganism and Christianity survives today in a severely toned-down fashion.

Wakes of times gone by began with neighbor women washing the body of the deceased and preparing it to be laid out on a bed or a table, often in the largest room of the house. The body was covered in white linen adorned with black or white ribbons, flowers for the body of a child. Lighted candles were placed around the body. Clay pipes, tobacco and snuff were also placed in the room. Every male caller was expected to take at least a puff. The smoke kept evil spirits from finding the deceased. Usually, a pipe and tobacco were placed on a table next to the body. Occasionally, a pipe was laid on the chest of the deceased male. Clocks were stopped at the time of death. Mirrors were turned around or covered.

Watching Over the Deceased and Keening

Once the body was prepared, it was never left alone until after burial. Someone, usually a woman, sat in the same room until it was taken away. According to custom, crying couldn’t begin until after the body was prepared lest it attract evil spirits that would take the soul of the departed. However, once the body was properly prepared, the keening began. The Caointhe, the lead keener, was first to lament the deceased. Keeners, especially the Caointhe, recited poetry lamenting the loss of the loved one in addition to crying and wailing. All the women in the house joined in, especially as each new caller arrived to pay his or her respects.

Find out more in Part 2.

patience: easier said than done

It’s difficult to “be patient” while the pain of your loss feels so intense. But the saying, “time heals” is actually true.

We live in a culture of instant gratification, where we’ve come to expect results literally within moments. Unfortunately, this makes it even more difficult to tolerate the natural process of mourning. Keep in mind that historically and in nearly all cultures, the death of a partner has been recognized as a lengthy (usually a year) period in which to give the survivor the necessary time to go through a range of normal and necessary reactions.

It can also be hard to tolerate the unpredictability of the experience.

As we discuss in Part 1 of our 3 posts, When Will This Be Over?:

“The mourning process is often described as feeling as though you’re stuck on a roller-coaster.

Nobody chooses this ride, but once it starts, you have to hold on tight and trust you’ll eventually be back on solid ground. The first few dips can be unsettling, and just when the track straightens out and you think you can finally relax, there may be a few more dips before you get to the finish.” 
(Read more)

It helps to remind yourself how far you’ve come since the beginning. Give yourself a pat on the back for the progress you have made.

Please share with us your own tips for coping with impatience.

can't stop crying

That might sound like title of a country western song, but it’s all too real an experience when your spouse/partner has died.

After my husband’s death, I felt like the tears would never stop.

I remember being at work, in social situations, or just driving and finding myself unexpectedly tearing up. Caught off-guard and often embarrassed, I’d head for the nearest private place (like a restroom or quiet street), to try to pull myself together.

I realize some people consider crying a form of self-pity.

But I’ve learned that tears are nature’s way of helping us release tension. The best way to do the mourning is to do the grieving. And that means every tear helps.

So trust yourself. Your mind does have a shut-off valve.

How have you handled these situations?

Ruth

reflections: irish words of wisdom

* May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you're going and the insight to know when you're going too far.

* May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door.

* A friend's eye is a good mirror.

*Even a small thorn causes festering.

* When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is weak.

* As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.

* May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.