reflections: quotes for getting through the days; part 3

1)Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

-From a headstone in Ireland

2)Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare

3)If you're going through hell, keep going.

-Winston Churchill

4)When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

-Author Unknown

5)Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.

-Emily Dickinson

reflections: remembering don spector on his birthday

August 27 would have been my dad’s birthday.

If, that is, he had lived more than a few weeks past his 49th birthday.

It took me a long time before I could picture Dad as the man he was before cancer so cruelly altered him and our lives.

I try to imagine him now as an elderly man with all the physical changes that come with advanced age.

Yet despite how he might now look if he’d been able to grow old, what comes through in my thoughts are the qualities about him that would have remained ageless;

His compassion.

His sense of humor.

His intelligence.

His insights.

His love.

These are the realities of Dad that remain ageless. And always with me.

Laurie

making sense of anger; part 4: handling anger

In Parts 2 and 3 of these excerpts from Lost My Partner, we looked at various ways anger about your loss may be misdirected, either towards yourself or others.

While it’s important to be aware that you’re feeling anger, it’s equally important to look at what you’re doing with it.

Feeling an emotion and expressing it are two very different things. Everyone feels anger sometimes, but the way you choose to deal with that anger can make a world of difference. You’ll probably feel angry and abandoned by your partner when it comes time to deal with financial headaches, your children, family conflicts, etc. Misdirecting your anger in any way, such as yelling at your family for no reason, won’t really make you feel better or less angry.

Here are some examples of choices you can make in handling anger:

DESTRUCTIVE WAYS:

- Verbally or physically attacking others.

- Turning anger inward. For example, scolding yourself, injuring your body by hitting something too hard, or having “accidents”.

- Doing self-destructive things like excessive drinking or drug use, driving recklessly, or neglecting your health.


CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS:

- Talking about your angry feelings to someone who will understand, such as close friends, grief counselors, widowed groups or religious advisors.

- Writing a letter to whomever you’re angry with but not mailing it, then taking a brisk walk around the block.

- Punching a pillow or a cushioned piece of furniture.

- Sitting in a room at home with the widows closed (so the neighbors aren’t alarmed), and shouting.



If you’ve come up with any other constructive strategies for venting anger, please share them with us.

making sense of anger: part 3: outside targets

In Part 2 of these excerpts from Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? we covered the potentially self-destructive results of turning anger inward.

Here are some common ways that anger about your loss can be focused outward.


“How could God let this happen?”

Some may undergo a religious crisis when their anger is directed at God. In questioning how God could allow your loved one to die, you experience this as a spiritual abandonment.

For more on this, read our posts, Spiritual Comfort, Parts 1 and 2.

Another common target for anger following a death is the medical establishment (doctors, nurses, hospital personnel). While there are certainly situations where anger toward a medical professional is justified, there are times when the real source of upset is the helplessness and frustration that comes with not being able to stop the inevitable from occurring.

In Part 4, we’ll offer tips for coping with anger in constructive ways.

making sense of anger; part 2: when anger turns inward

In Part 1 of these excerpts from Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? we looked at some of the underlying reasons for feeling anger.

It’s important to recognize the some of the ways anger can be misdirected.

“I wish everybody would stop fussing and just leave me alone. What’s the use of going on, if my husband isn’t here?”

When anger is turned inward it can take the form of depression or even suicidal feelings.

If this is happening to you, talk over your feelings with your doctor, religious advisor or a mental health professional right away. If you are seriously thinking about taking your own life, tell someone immediately!

Call the Operator to reach your local suicide hotline or contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 (www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org).

Remember: You are important! Get the help you need.

In Part 3, we’ll talk about ways your anger may be directed toward outside sources.

making sense of anger ; part 1: facing this reaction

 

(Excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner-What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition)

When a spouse/partner dies, it’s common to feel some anger. You may not recognize it, but it’s usually there. Anger, however, may feel especially uncomfortable when it occurs around a death. Many people feel guilty or uneasy about acknowledging the anger.

“How can you be angry with someone for dying? After all, it’s not like my partner wanted to die.”

Although anger is a natural reaction to having lost your spouse, it may be easier to deal with it, if you give yourself permission to be angry that the loss happened. For example,

“It’s so unfair that this had to happen to us!”

Sometimes anger can cover up other, more difficult feelings, such as:

- ABANDONMENT: “Why did she have to die and leave me? I always thought I’d be the first to go.” Or “Where are you when I need you?”

- HELPLESSNESS: “I took such good care of her, but she died anyway.” Or “I begged him to stop smoking/lose weight, but he just wouldn’t listen!”

These reactions are understandable, if you keep in mind that death creates the ultimate experience of abandonment and helplessness.

More in Part 2.

now that i'm sick, where are you? part 2

In our previous post, we looked at how feelings of abandonment, anger, depression and anxiety can arise when you find yourself struggling through an illness without your spouse/partner being there for you.

The best ways to cope with these situations include:

a) Recognizing what is actually triggering these emotions.

b) Calling on family, friends or neighbors to stop by (just having someone in the house can be comforting), or run errands for you.

c) Reminding yourself, if you’re uncomfortable asking for help, that you would help others if they were in a similar situation.

d) Contacting the medical social services department at your local hospital for assistance in finding resources, such as support groups, home health aides, or other services.
Remember: you’ve developed coping skills during and after your spouse’s death and can now draw on them to make it through this period.

NOTE: Because your spouse’s death has left you more physically vulnerable, it’s important to let your doctor know about your loss. Some pre-existing medical conditions may be affected by the stress of recent circumstances.

now that i'm sick, where are you? part 1

The first couple of years following the death of your spouse/partner are, statistically speaking, likely to leave you more vulnerable to illness.

When illness does strike, whether it’s a common cold or something more serious, it can stir up an emotional reaction as well. Whatever comfort and support your partner once offered is no longer available to you.

You may find yourself saying:

“Why aren’t you here when I need you?” or “I took care of you but you’re not here to take care of me!”
It’s normal to feel abandoned, angry, depressed and/or anxious under the circumstances.

In our next post, we’ll give you the best ways to cope with these situations.

thanks for asking, but...

Whenever friends ask you out to dinner or other events, are you uncertain about accepting the invitation? Uncertain because due to grief, you’re not sure how you’ll be feeling when the time comes to actually get together?

Here are some suggestions for handling this common dilemma for anyone who is bereaved.

After thanking your friends for their interest, remind them that because of your loss, every day has it’s ups and downs.

Ask your friends if it’s okay to notify them a day or so ahead of the occasion, so you don’t feel pressured and have a better idea of what you’re up for.

Keep in mind that most people are very understanding.

We’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences about these situations.