bereavement counseling for surviving families of veterans

With Veteran's Day being observed this week, you might want to check out the opportunities for bereavement counseling if your loved one was a veteran.

The Veterans Affairs website was updated last year and is loaded with information about survivor benefits of all kinds. 

According to the website: The Department of Veteran Affairs (VA) offers bereavement counseling to parents, spouses and children of Armed Forces personnel who died in the service of their country. Also eligible are family members of reservists and National Guardsmen who die while on duty. VA's bereavement counseling is provided at community-based Vet Centers located near the families. There is no cost for VA bereavement counseling. S

Services are obtained by contacting Readjustment Counseling Service (RCS) at 202-273-9116 or via electronic mail at vet.center@hq.med.va.gov both of which are specific to this specialized service.

RCS staff will assist families in contacting the nearest Vet Center. For further information, please visit http://www.vba.va.gov/EFIF/dependents.htm#deceased and/or http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/Bereavement_Counseling.asp

Even if you yourself aren't a surviving family member, you may discover some important resources that can help a friend or relative who has lost a serviceman/woman.

Our thanks and best wishes go out to all veterans and their families!

a young widow's perspective on financial planning

This information is by Sandi Duffy, a widowed mom with young children. We’re impressed by the sound advice Sandi offers in Financial Planning for Widowed Moms.

According to Sandi,"Once the funeral is over, you are left to pick up the pieces of your life and your children's lives. How are you going to do this? Where do you even start?

It's a cold hard fact that you need money to live, pay the bills, feed your children, etc. The first and most important thing you can do for yourself and your children is to gather all your late husband's assets, bank accounts, retirement funds, life insurance, etc. and get yourself to a certified financial planner. I cannot emphasize enough the word Certified Financial Planner. Not a friend of a friend of a friend who claims to be good with money. I had a colleague at work tell me she is really good with finances and would do mine. Really? Would she be able to tell me how to invest my money, so that I can draw an income from it every month? Would she be able to project how much college will cost in 18 years and then advise me how to invest, so that I can fund my children's educations?

Go to a real certified financial planner, someone who is highly recommended by more than one person. If you are unsure, interview a few of them. I spoke to three before I chose the one I am currently using.

The next most important thing is to find a good lawyer who specializes in wills and trusts. Again, find one who specializes in wills and trusts. My husband and I used a real estate attorney to do our wills, living wills, and durable power of attorney (POA). Thankfully we didn't have to use the POA because when I went to a lawyer who specializes in this, he told me it was all wrong and never would have been honored.

This is critical if you have young children. I have a trust set up that in the event of my death, the children receive one quarter of my estate at 25, one quarter at 30 and the remaining balance at 35. It names who will become their guardians and who will control the money they inherit.

Also, the amount of paperwork dealing with your spouse's estate that has to be filed with the IRS is daunting. Let an attorney handle it all.

I know it seems cold, but you really need to take care of the financial part of your spouse's death. It's also a good distraction. I recommend two books that specifically deal with financial issues for women: David Bach's Smart Women Finish Rich and Suze Orman's Women and Money."

Sandi goes on to say," 'They' say not to make any big decisions for a year. That's probably a good idea. If financially you can keep your house, keep it. I couldn't even think about packing up my house, showing it to strangers, uprooting my kids, finding new childcare...the list is endless.

If you don't need to make more money, don't switch jobs. I remember calling my former boss for a letter of reference, thinking I needed to make more money for our family. She grudgingly wrote the letter, not because she had negative feelings towards me, but she didn't think it was a good idea for me to make a change so soon. I remember her telling me she would write it, but hoped I would be calling her in a few years to update it because I didn't use the first one. She was right. I kept my job.

Changing jobs, moving, and losing a spouse (through divorce or death) are the three biggest stressors. Try to deal with just one at a time."

Sandi Duffy was widowed in October 2007 when her 44-year-old husband succumbed to Pancreatic Cancer.

reflections: quotes for getting through the days 2

Here are more quotations we find inspiring:

1) Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the un-bereaved.

-Iris Murdoch

2) Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.

-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
3) Dawn is born at midnight.- Carl Jung
4) If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.- Beth Mende Conny
5) They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.- William Penn

6) The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it.

- Mary Catherine Bateson
7) There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.-Aeschylus

8) Hope is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soul,And sings the tune without the words,and never stops at all.-Emily Dickenson

9) Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength.-Ralph W. Sockman

10) No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in.

- C. S. Lewis

reflections from lost my partner: even more words of wisdom

Here are more sayings from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do?

1) For now, it’s okay to ask for help from others. Nobody’s strong all the time. Even Superman can be weakened by Krytonite.

2) Confusion and memory loss are normal and temporary symptoms.

3) The first year is full of first everythings.

4) Any new situation will start out being uncomfortable the first time. The next time is always easier.

5) Bereavement is a learning experience about you. You’ll discover new capabilities and strengths you didn’t realize you had.

reflections from lost my partner: words of wisdom

Here are five sayings from our book Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Edited Edition.

1) Your limitations in coping are temporary. With time, you’ll get better at handling responsibilities.

2) Trust your own instincts while sorting out well-meaning advice from others. You are the best expert on you.

3) Try not to let others pressure you. What is right for someone else is not necessarily right for you.

4) If possible, postpone any major decisions for the first year. Your ability to make sound judgments is temporarily out of order.

5) Be patient with yourself. Don’t expect to be able to make serious plans at a time when having to decide what to do tomorrow can feel overwhelming.

Hope these help.

reflections by deb edwards: what i know for sure about being a widow - one year later

Although it's been a few years, this early post from contributor Deb Edwards is still inspiring :

Tomorrow will be one year since Dale died. It seems impossible to me. I had a tree planted and a memorial plaque in his memory that finally were installed yesterday at a local plaza in the town where I live.

In preparation for this important anniversary, I "circled the wagons" I am having a small private dedication with my closest friends, followed by dinner. My granddaughters are coming for a sleepover so I won't have to be alone. With all my planning, I will still be glad when it is over.

Now that the day has arrived, Deb shares her reflections:

What I Know For Sure About Being a Widow.....One Year Later

Today is one year since my husband died. This has been quite a journey, with some very unexpected twists and turns.

My writing and the positive feedback I have received as a result has helped me so much with my own healing:

don't waste your energy trying to understand the reasons "why?"-they will never make sense

children and animals can offer a tremendous source of comfort, wisdom and insight in its purest and simplest form

everything and anything seems 10x worse at 2:00am

"alone" does not have to be synonymous with "lonely"

the cereal aisle still makes me cry.........but not as often

just when you think it never will, it does get easier-some days

look for ways in your life to "give back". paying it forward can be unbelievably rewarding-helping someone else can redirect your focus and lessen the pain

the moments that you feel "better" will turn into hours, then days, then weeks and then... there you are crying again

your "alone" time can be a real opportunity to reinvent yourself if you can embrace the possibilities

indulge yourself in extreme "self-care"-whatever works for you-a massage, a walk, a hot bath, brownies (i am a firm believer in the healing power of chocolate!)-anything that makes you feel good

getting through all the "firsts" seems impossible, but you somehow get through it-I hope the "seconds" won't be so tough. planning ahead helps.

don't be afraid to ask for what you need or want-you may be pleasantly surpised at what you get

when you feel like you can't go on, just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you will get to where you want to be

it can be very scary to step outside your comfort zone and try new things-but if you don't try you could miss out on something wonderful

forgive, forgive, forgive....the one you lost, God, the doctors, but most of all yourself

grief is a complicated process so if you think you're over it-you're not and if you haven't experienced it-trust me-you will

endings can also be wonderful beginnings-keep your mind and heart open and don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle

and as always..... remember to breathe

deb edwards

reflections from lost my partner: 5 words of wisdom

Here are some collected "words of wisdom" excerpted from our book, Lost My Partner – What’ll I Do? Revised and Expanded Edition (learn more).

These gentle reassurances can be printed out and carried with you for those moments when you need a little boost of support.

- It does get better. The pain will soften with time.

- Every tear helps. The best way to get through mourning is to do the grieving.

- You will mourn in your own way and in your own time.- For now, not normal is normal.

- Most of your whole world has been turned upside down. Be gentle with yourself.

reflections by deb edwards: what i know for sure about being a widow

While in the process of setting up this blog, we were contacted by Deb Edwards, a visitor to our lostmypartner.com website. We recently heard from Deb and were inspired to again share some of her original posts.

In 2009 she emailed: "I lost my husband last year, and have done some writing about it. I would like to share my experiences with other people who have had similar losses, in hopes that I could reach out to them and touch them in some way that would help them through their journey." Thanks, Deb, for sharing the following :

What I Know for Sure About Being a Widow

I hate the sound of the word "widow" so much I can barely say it out loud

When I think I can't cry anymore...I do

Grief is something you can't get around...you have to go through it

That "hole" will never be completely filled

You find consolation in very unexpected ways

The car and the shower are good crying places

No one gets to tell you how to feel...whatever you feel is OK

You never know what could trigger the grief...it could be something as obvious as the holidays or as random as the cereal aisle

You get to feel the way you feel until you don't feel that way anymore

Anyone who says "I know how you feel"...doesn't

You do find laughter amidst the tears

People say it gets easier - don't know - I'm not there yet

Having "no regrets" will help you find peace in your heart

They are always with us...but never in the same way

Life does go on...but never the same way.

Take care of yourself...and remember to breathe.

Deb Edwards

WE'RE CELEBRATING THE LOST MY PARTNER BLOG'S 
10th BIRTHDAY!

Join us as we mark a decade (!) of offering support and sharing the struggles and personal triumphs of those of you surviving the death of a partner.

All month, we'll post our own favorite "Words of Wisdom" as well as the personal insights that visitors have shared with us.

We continue to be touched by and appreciative of your ongoing interest in and support for this blog and our book, Lost My Partner.

So thank you, friends. And please stay in touch!

Our warmest best wishes to you all,

Ruth and Laurie