reflections by deb edwards: what i know for sure about being a widow - one year later

Although it's been a few years, this early post from contributor Deb Edwards is still inspiring :

Tomorrow will be one year since Dale died. It seems impossible to me. I had a tree planted and a memorial plaque in his memory that finally were installed yesterday at a local plaza in the town where I live.

In preparation for this important anniversary, I "circled the wagons" I am having a small private dedication with my closest friends, followed by dinner. My granddaughters are coming for a sleepover so I won't have to be alone. With all my planning, I will still be glad when it is over.

Now that the day has arrived, Deb shares her reflections:

What I Know For Sure About Being a Widow.....One Year Later

Today is one year since my husband died. This has been quite a journey, with some very unexpected twists and turns.

My writing and the positive feedback I have received as a result has helped me so much with my own healing:

don't waste your energy trying to understand the reasons "why?"-they will never make sense

children and animals can offer a tremendous source of comfort, wisdom and insight in its purest and simplest form

everything and anything seems 10x worse at 2:00am

"alone" does not have to be synonymous with "lonely"

the cereal aisle still makes me cry.........but not as often

just when you think it never will, it does get easier-some days

look for ways in your life to "give back". paying it forward can be unbelievably rewarding-helping someone else can redirect your focus and lessen the pain

the moments that you feel "better" will turn into hours, then days, then weeks and then... there you are crying again

your "alone" time can be a real opportunity to reinvent yourself if you can embrace the possibilities

indulge yourself in extreme "self-care"-whatever works for you-a massage, a walk, a hot bath, brownies (i am a firm believer in the healing power of chocolate!)-anything that makes you feel good

getting through all the "firsts" seems impossible, but you somehow get through it-I hope the "seconds" won't be so tough. planning ahead helps.

don't be afraid to ask for what you need or want-you may be pleasantly surpised at what you get

when you feel like you can't go on, just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you will get to where you want to be

it can be very scary to step outside your comfort zone and try new things-but if you don't try you could miss out on something wonderful

forgive, forgive, forgive....the one you lost, God, the doctors, but most of all yourself

grief is a complicated process so if you think you're over it-you're not and if you haven't experienced it-trust me-you will

endings can also be wonderful beginnings-keep your mind and heart open and don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle

and as always..... remember to breathe

deb edwards


Anonymous said...

I lost my wife to Ovarian Cancer 18 months ago, after 28 years of marriage, still think of her and miss her. I wear her wedding ring on a chain with a small heart with her fingerprint on it, and still wear my wedding ring. I still don't know when I will have the strength to remove it, it seems like I would be removing a large part of my life

Laurie and Ruth said...

We've written another post about the issue of when and how to no longer wear a wedding ring.

In any case, we point out that there's no rule about when to do this. With any important (and emotional) decision, trust yourself to know what feels right for you.

Please stay in touch and let us know how it goes.

3 wolves said...

I lost my husband in June in a auto accidents he was working a 2 nd job to make ends meet. But I quest I have problems on the way everything happen that night . because two police men called and told me that my husband had been a accident . and that I need call the hospital then they said are coming I said then while on the highway and they come back home . and that where they told me he pass away so as I said was the it was done that I'm having a hard time we were marry 33 years the way auto accident went too. My husband was going through a yellow flashing light when the person didn't stop on red light hit him crush him and pin him in the van I'm just numb and having a very hard time moving though the 5 steps .my lawyer said infestion isn't done one can charge as of yet its been 3 months since the accident so no closer no nothing

Laurie and Ruth said...

It's difficult to mourn when information is still unclear about your husband's death. You mention, "5 Steps". Do you mean the 5 stages of grief?

If so, keep in mind that each person grieves in a very unique way. No two losses are the same, even when they occur in the same family.
Because the investigation isn't finished, you aren't able to grieve normally. All the additional problems with the legal side of your loss are adding to the pain.

Please be gentle with yourself and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. Trust your own feeling about what is right for YOU.

Ask your lawyer about any victim support organizations that can offer you more support.

Let us know how it goes for you.

Unknown said...

I lost my husband just 3 months ago. Thank you for your post. I needed this message.