can't stop thinking about what happened

In the days following the death of your spouse/partner, you probably find yourself preoccupied with what has happened.

Whether it’s the details of those final days or months, or worries about arrangements/financial concerns, thoughts and images about your loss seem to occupy every waking moment.

In the aftermath of any shock (even when a death is anticipated), it’s normal to be preoccupied with these thoughts and images as your mind struggles to absorb the reality of the loss. Added to this are the other adjustments and tasks you’re forced to deal with as a consequence of the loss itself.

Keep in mind that with time, you’ll be able to focus on other aspects of your life. Many people feel guilty when this happens, fearful that pulling away emotionally means they will longer love or remember their partner.

What it actually means is that you’ve begun to find a new, different place inside yourself for your loved one. A place that is no less cherished because it doesn't demand constant attention.

If, after about a year, you're still constantly thinking about the death, you may have conflicts or unfinished business that is complicating your mourning process. Consider getting counseling from a mental health professional or trusted clergy person to help you sort through troublesome concerns.


Anonymous said...

I lost my husband 10 months ago and I still find myself thinking of him every spare moment of the day. I think about the time leading up to his death, the day he died, and the details of the funeral.
I feel it has been difficult due to the circumstances. He was away hunting at his family's cabin. He just colapsed. No warning. No illness. No accident. Just colapsed and died. He didn't have a history of heart disease even though they ruled his death a heart attack. If I could have been with him or at least seen him that day maybe I could accept/understand/process this loss. I'm lost.

Laurie and Ruth said...

A sudden unexpected loss is especially difficult to mourn. There are many unanswered questions and so much unfinished business to cope with.

It's normal to replay the details of that last day, and struggle with the "what if's", which reflect our helplessness in the face of a terrible situation, and our wish that we somehow might have been able to prevent death from claiming a loved one.

Please give yourself plenty of time to sort out all the issues and don't let others pressure you to "get on" with your life. You might also check out our other posts on sudden death as well as posts about generally coping.

Let us know how it goes.

Anonymous said...

I lost my spouse memorial day this year its been 7 months, icannot find a purpose for my life. I have 2 wonderful daughters and spouses and 2 of the best ever grandchildren, they are 9 &3. I just continue to cry every day, nothing is making me happy. I have a hard time thinking of the future even planning a vacation. I lost my person, my best friend, everyone says its ok to cry and it will take time. Im not sure what to expect but im just not a happy person anymore and i hate it.

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband memorial day this year. I still cry every day sometimes many times. I cannot find purpose or reason for life right now, im just not a happy person i go day by day doing what im supposed to do and nothing extra. I have 2 beautiful daughters and their spouses as well as the best grandchildren 9&3. i miss my person, my best friend, they say its okay to cry and time will heal it doesnt feel that way and its been 7months, I am sad all the time.